Looking for Balance

I'm in one of those phases when my life feels enough out of control and order that I wish I could take a month off of work (paid, of course) and get everything tidied up with a sweet little pink bow keeping it all together; everything nice, neat and perfect.

Dream on, right?

I'm the first to admit that I "get like this" every so often, but usually it's because I've over-extended myself so much that I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. When I was still the editor of a social magazine, I was constantly on the go, day, night and weekends, and rarely found time for myself. I don't have that excuse this time. Sure, I'm busy at work. Who isn't? And, yes, the pressure to raise hundreds of thousands of dollars can be distressing at times.

I "get like this" when I have too much on my plate and it becomes difficult to separate the items. I "get like this" when my head is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me another. I "get like this" when I'm overwhelmed with grief, brought on this time by a visit to my friend, whose mother bears the same name as mine - whose mother is unsteady on her feet as was mine, whose mother was wearing the same shirt that evening as my mother owned and often wore, whose mother lives with my friend just as my mother lived with me. (Need I go on?) I was there to help my friends make plans for their wedding, but I was so overcome with grief that I'm not too sure how helpful I was. I do know that my friends were so completely understanding as I wept off and on for three-hours.

That was the catalyst for this emotional turmoil; feeling out of balance. Weighing heavy on my heart and mind these days is the need to organize what's left of my parents' belongings and, frankly, the rest of my house. I know, I've written in the past that I had given my siblings photos and other items, but I still have things that need to be divided. (My fear of letting go of their things is overwhelming in and of itself. If I give those things to my siblings, will my parents "be gone?" Does keeping those things to  myself assure their presence, always and forever?) And I have closets that have things in them that haven't seen the light of day for years. So, in my mind, if I could just get all of that "in order," then everything else would fall into place; the skies would be blue, the birds would be chirping and I'd be singing in the shower.

The funny thing is, if I was granted that wish to have a month to myself, I'd most likely nap it away or start a project that has nothing at all to do with organizing my life. Just today I got home about an hour early and, instead of tackling the immediate need to clean off the shelves in what used to be my mother's living room, I literally napped on the sofa with my Baby Girl Ginger. When I awoke, I felt so good, since I didn't get any sleep last night. But it also felt so wrong, since projects are waiting. (I can't redecorate that room, put on a fresh coat of paint, bring in a twin day-bed, add the touches of a patchwork bedspread, etc. until everything in there now is removed.)

Clearly, many of us are looking for that elusive "balance" in our lives. I go to bed feeling guilty if I haven't been productive the majority of the day. As I've said many times, I'm like a dog seeing a squirrel - easily distracted. I know it's the choices I make; choices to walk away from the things that need to be done, that might take several days to complete, and replace them with things that are more fun and easily accomplished. And, yes, then I fret that I haven't been productive enough.

I know I'm not alone. Maybe we just can't win.

In any event, I do know that I'd much rather have too much going on in my life than too little ("The more things you do, the more you CAN do." - Lucille Ball), and if that means things are a little out of balance once in a while (or maybe even most of the time), then so be it. I guess I can live with that.

I did, finally, finish redecorating what used to be Mother's bedroom. I know she'd love it, but I'm the one who really enjoys going in there and looking at all the old photos hanging above the bed. I took the time to go through our box of old pics and framed shots of my husband's grandparents and parents and my grandparents and parents. Then I re-purposed a yellow jacket of my mother's, making it a throw-pillow for the bed (I knew I had been holding on to it for a reason.) Back in the corner, placed in the yellow chair, is a pillow made from one of my dad's shirts. This room comforts me, but it also excites me as my sister, brother, cousins and I take our journey into our ancestry. And, because of their commitment to research, I'm able to identify folks in these old family photos.