Sam looked for "Gramma" everyday for about a week after she passed away. He'd walk into her room, circle the bed, then stand in the doorway for a few seconds. But he hasn't done it since then.
Does he know today marks five-months since last we saw Mom?
This morning when I started my car to go to work, the radio was set to a Christian station blaring a song so loud it nearly knocked my shoes off. I don't listen to Christian radio, but who knows? Maybe I was in the process of 'channel surfing' when I stopped the car, and that's the station it landed on. I own a convertible and I do blare my music when the top is down. But the top wasn't down.
So, who knows?
What I do know is that once I gathered my senses after the blast of shockingly loud music that I'm sure my neighbors appreciated at 6:30 a.m., I caught the last words of the song that was playing:
“You are starting over, you are beginning a new life…have no regrets…be proud…”
I don't know who was singing. I don't know the rest of the lyrics. And I haven't been able to find them online.
But, are they words from my mother? Is she telling me to let go of the things that occurred during her final days that are tormenting me? Is this the message from Mom for which I've been longing?
I prefer to think so.
It comes on the heals of the best visit I've ever had with my younger sister. The kind of visit that would make Mother smile. Period.
We stayed up until 1 a.m. talking and listening - most importantly - listening.
The next day, we played - and still we talked and listened.
In some ways, I think knowing we're going to be okay helped to settle Mom. And I think the song was her way of telling me just that.
Mother loved music. She received many accolades for her melodious voice.
When I was a child, she'd often sing along to her albums while preparing dinner.
With a little creative freedom on my part, here's a portion of a poem I found online today by K. Hardiman that also speaks directly to me:
Sweet smile on your face as you sleep the pain away,
Resting in God's arms now, although in the ground your body lay.
He needed another angel in the Heavenly choir and that's why you had to go.
As you promised, you are still with us watching your children here below.
I never would have imagined the end would be like this, me comforting you.
Holding your hand, telling you not to worry was not an easy thing for me to do.
And even in your weakest hours you tried to comfort me, too,
Caressing my face, and calming my soul as only a mother can soothe.
You have always been there through the thick and the thin
No matter what I've done, unconditionally your love never wavering.
I miss you more than these words could ever say.
The pain in my heart is from one unimaginable day.
After I cried all that I could; my eyes still shed countless more tears.
And when I try to sleep, I have nightmares of ten-thousand fears.
I walk in footsteps on an unsure path
At times my load feels so heavy, I'm not sure I will last.
Silly though I may be, I'm afraid of life now that you're gone,
Because I've always had a mother.
I will walk in footsteps you have walked before me
Seeing the path you walked led you, Mom, straight into victory.
So as you sleep Mommy, in the cradle of the Lord,
I am reassured of God's promises you taught me through His Word.
I know that someday Heaven's gates will open to receive me,
And with your smiling face and loving eyes, reunited once again we will be.
Resting in God's arms now, although in the ground your body lay.
He needed another angel in the Heavenly choir and that's why you had to go.
As you promised, you are still with us watching your children here below.
I never would have imagined the end would be like this, me comforting you.
Holding your hand, telling you not to worry was not an easy thing for me to do.
And even in your weakest hours you tried to comfort me, too,
Caressing my face, and calming my soul as only a mother can soothe.
You have always been there through the thick and the thin
No matter what I've done, unconditionally your love never wavering.
I miss you more than these words could ever say.
The pain in my heart is from one unimaginable day.
After I cried all that I could; my eyes still shed countless more tears.
And when I try to sleep, I have nightmares of ten-thousand fears.
I walk in footsteps on an unsure path
At times my load feels so heavy, I'm not sure I will last.
Silly though I may be, I'm afraid of life now that you're gone,
Because I've always had a mother.
I will walk in footsteps you have walked before me
Seeing the path you walked led you, Mom, straight into victory.
So as you sleep Mommy, in the cradle of the Lord,
I am reassured of God's promises you taught me through His Word.
I know that someday Heaven's gates will open to receive me,
And with your smiling face and loving eyes, reunited once again we will be.
I lit the candle today, Frannie!
