So, if you're thinking I'm nothing but a big baby, stop reading. But if you have words of wisdom to share, please read on and leave your comments of encouragement at the end. I could use them today.
My house feels empty. Why today more than yesterday? I don't have the answer to that, but "they" tell me my emotions will come in waves. If that's true, I've reached a tsunami.
I guess it all began when I started going through my mother's closet last night, trying to make some temporary storage space. I haven't yet gone through her dresser or closet, and it wasn't my intention to do that last night. But when I moved some of her things around, I came upon two packages that I didn't think I recognized. When I opened them, I saw that one was a gift for my younger sister -- that I remembered Mother buying at Macy's on the day after Christmas 2011. Her intention was to give it to my sister on her birthday this past December. I had completely forgotten about that.
But the other was a gift Mother bought for a friend of mine who did my mother's hair for many years. That's the one that drew such deep emotions, because I don't know when she would have purchased it. I was her driver. I was always with her. But it was wrapped and had my friend's name on it, and I needed to deliver it today. My friend was as surprised as I was and nearly as emotional; reminiscing about my mother's beautiful head of hair, the kindness of my mother and her very lady-like ways. We stood there at my friend's station, in-between clients, and cried.
My friend is really quite fortunate; she still has her mother, who will be 95-years old in February. I must be completely transparent here and admit that I'm often jealous. Not only of my hairdresser friend, but of others who still enjoy the company of their mothers or fathers.
I feel rather guilty about that, as jealousy is not an acceptable behavior pattern...not very becoming. In fact, other than for a short period of time while in junior high, I honestly can't remember ever being jealous of anyone.
Both my mother and my father taught me to make the changes necessary to achieve whatever it was I was aiming for. Both of them taught me to be confident. Neither of them ever showed or expressed jealousy.
But this isn't something I can change. I can't "achieve" my parents back.
Anyway, I took all this as a sign to go ahead and empty her dresser drawers. So, I began with her lingerie, which was a simple process. The next drawer was filled with everyday clothes, like shirts and Capri pants. I knew this, because I used to put her clothes away on laundry day.
I opened the drawer and right on top was a light orange and white striped shirt that she wore - like all the time.
That's it. I can't go any further.
So, my question...when will I know when the time is right? When will I be able to empty her room and maybe even redecorate her living room? When will donating her clothing to charity feel right?
.jpg)
