Lost

I know that the space between now and then allows for some semblance of healing.
I know that tomorrow and the next day and the day after that will likely be a tiny bit better than today.
I also know that  no amount of time heals the wound; the scar left behind by the agony.

I am in more pain tonight than I have ever felt in my life.
I thought losing my father was one of the hardest things I would ever have to face ...
Until the loss of my mother, which I just have no words for.
Then came today.

I never expected it.
I wasn't prepared for it.
And I can't do anything at all about it.

I hurt.
My heart actually bleeds.
I cry for my son, his wife, my husband and myself.
My son.

You can be the most self-centered, self-absorbed person in the world, and parenthood will likely change that in a flash. You are the reason for your child's existence, but your child, instantly upon his birth, becomes the reason for yours.

When shit happens, why do people feel the need to say, "Well, I know it's hard to see right now, but God has a plan"?

What kind of God plans this kind of tragedy? What kind of God allows for this kind of pain? What kind of God would let this happen to my daughter-in-law? What kind of God would let this happen to my son? My son?

I don't go to church, but why does that single action determine whether or not someone is a "good Christian?"
I am a good person.
My son is an even better person with incredibly strong work ethics.

I no longer have any faith. Today I was stripped of any hope.
To deny me is one thing, but to deny my son is another.

Fuck you!
He deserves way better and so does she.